A Pirates Life for Me
by todd fan
Summary: Complete! The parody of 'Sinbad' is done, wee
1. Pillaging

A Pirates Life for Me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "If you only see 10,000 movies this year, make sure this isn't one of them"

**&&&&**

Yes, it's another TF Parody, this time a parody of the DreamWorks movie: Sinbad – Legend of the Seven Seas. This fic is dedicated to Skysong, to whom I promised a fanfic of this pairing. Originally, I was going to parody Along Came Polly, but this is much more fun. Enjoy!

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Act 1 – Pillaging

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We open our parody in the cosmos, where we focus in on Earth, surrounded by constellations. From the blackness appears a figure, who moves like oil. As she comes closer, we see she is Wanda.

"I finally get to be a villainess", grins Wanda.

"Yeah, yeah", says Lance, where he sits with a directors cap, "hip hop hoo flipin' ray"

Wanda gives him a glare, before heading towards Earth, the constellations taking form and moving after her.

""Wake up, my beauties", she says, "Rise and shine. It's a band-new day, and the mortal world is at peace"

She smirks at the Earth.

"But not for long", she says, "Just look at them I pull one tiny thread"

She yanks a little thread from somewhere on Earth.

"And their whole world unravels into chaos. Glorious chaos"

"…..Wow, you **were** a good choice", blinks Lance, "spooky"

Wanda looks closer with a smirk.

"And what could be more perfect than this?"

We zoom into the planet, landing somewhere on the ocean, following a ship.

"A noble prince, a priceless treasure", says Wanda, as something glows brightly in the back of the ship, then looks at another ship in hot pursuit, "and a black-hearted thief"

She chuckles evilly.

"Oh, this is going to be fun"

She looks over at Pietro, who has been made into a squid-thing.

"….Why am I ugly and she's a goddess?", whines Pietro, "that's not fair!"

"Squid things do not talk!", snaps Lance.

"Pietro?", smirks Wanda, clearly enjoying this, "You know what to do. Let the games begin!"

Pietro gives his sister a glare, before diving into Earth. As he splashes into the water, we follow the two ships, focusing on the last one. Here, Roberto is pacing in front of his crew, Rahne, as a wolf, at his heel.

"Why am I always the dog?", asks Rahne.

"I was the dog once", says Lance, "…..That was the worst experience of my life"

"…..Stop the shameless plugs", mutters Rahne.

"Gentleman", says Roberto as he paces, "This is what we've been waiting for the worlds most valuable object is on it's way to Bayville"

He smirks.

"It's a shame it'll never get there"

The crew laughs.

"I'm the coolest guy: ever", grins Roberto.

"….What **IS** it with Todd Fan and myths?", mutters Lance, then blinks, "I'll stop the plugs now"

"After today", said Roberto "we retire to Fiji!"

We observe the crew celebrating, which includes, among others, Evan, Remy, Forge, Magneto and Toad. At the helm is Piotr.

"Piotr!", shouts Roberto.

Piotr shoots Lance a withering look, before sighing.

"Aye, Captain", he says as he moves the ship closer to the one in front.

"Rahne!", shouts Roberto.

Rahne barks, pulling on a lever, which causes lots of sharp blades to appear out of the side of the ship.

"**Let's get rich!**", grins Roberto, "…wait…I am rich. Oh well, **let's get richer!**"

His ship rams the first one, the blades digging in as Roberto lands on it, fighting off the army upon it. Rahne sits herself on a catapult, pulling a bone which releases it, sending her over onto the other ship. She lands on Caliban, slobbering all over him.

"……I feel violated", whimpers Caliban.

The rest of Roberto's crew jumps aboard, Piotr grabbing a hunk of the ship and tossing it at Lucid and Façade. Forge tosses what look like mini grenades at Gauntlet and Omega Red, blowing them up. Roberto does lots of swashbuckling., before landing next to Piotr, who has Jason in a headlock.

"Did you catch that last move?", asks Roberto proudly, "Pretty cool, huh?"

"I thought you overworked it", replies Piotr, "Just a bit"

"Awww, y...", starts Roberto, then winces as Piotr punches Jason in the head, "overworked it?"

"….You enjoyed that too much", groans Jason from the floor.

Sabertooth growls, running at Piotr with a sword, which Piotr grabs with his teeth, and tosses Sabertooth, still attached to the hilt, into the sea.

"Oh, and I was overworking it?", asks Roberto sarcastically.

Roberto looks over to the helm, where Sam is bravely fighting off his crew.

"Sam?", he blinks.

"Whoah", says Piotr, "This just got interesting. How long has it been?"

"About a lifetime ago", sighs Roberto as he walks over to where Sam is fighting, "You still fight like an old lady"

"Roberto?", blinks Sam, then is knocked from behind by Remy.

"Oooh", winces Roberto, where he leans on a part of the ship, smirking.

"Roberto, what are you doing here?", asks Sam as he picks himself up.

"What do you think he's doing? He just beat the crap out of your crew", says Lance.

"I'm working", says Roberto, using a dagger to destroy the lock to the cabin, "you?"

"What happened to you?", asks Sam, "Where have you been?...Why are you vandalizing mah stuff!"

"Hey, love to stop and catch up", says Roberto, "But I've got things to do, places to go, stuff to steal"

He shrugs, walking into the cabin, Sam rolls his eyes, following him. Inside the room is empty but for a table with a book on top. A book that has glowing light coming from it.

"Ooooooh", says Roberto, "shiney"

"Roberto, we need to talk", says Sam

"Heard about it, read about it never actually seen it", says Roberto, moving Sam aside to walk over to the book, "the book of peace"

Inside are the constellations again, but this time surrounded in a nice, beautiful bluey niceness.

"It's my job to bring it safely to Bayville", says Sam.

"Really?", asks Roberto, "Now, see, now I just feel bad because you're going to get fired"

"You can't be serious!", says Sam, "You disappear for ten years, show up, and rob me?"

"That's buddies for you", says Lance.

"I wish it wasn't you", says Roberto, "I do. Heh. Really, but.."

"But it is me, Roberto", frowns Sam.

"Sam, we had a special handshake, some code words, a secret hideout", says Roberto, "It was fun, big fun, but we were kids"

"….Personally, I'd like to see the special handshake", muses Lance.

"We were friends!", says Sam, "You're not going to steal this. Not from me. And what would you do with it anyway?"

"Hang it on my wall?", tried Roberto, "it **is** really shiney"

"The book of peace protects all of us in the Twelve Cities", says Sam

"…Where'd we get twelve from?", asks Lance, then sighs, "You know what? Forget it. No one tells me anything"

"Exactly", says Roberto.

"Thank you!", says Lance.

"No, I was reading my line", says Roberto with a sigh, "So, just imagine how much all of us will pay to get it back"

"Let me say it again", says Sam, getting in front of the book, "A long time ago, you an a'h were friends. If that ever meant anything to you, prove it now"

Roberto sighs.

"You're right", he says, "That was a long time ago"

He reaches for the book and Sam pulls him away, Roberto spins around as they both draw their swords.

"…Todd Fan's been talking to R-Man for too long", says Lance, "that sounded dirty"

"Come on, don't get all heroic, Sam", says Roberto.

"Never bring up **that **parody", says Sam, "…a'h don't like remembering it!"

The two starts to fight with their swords.

"If you want to book, you have to go through me", says Sam.

Suddenly, a huge tentacle breaks through the side of the ship, breaking them apart, then slides out.

"What the…", blinks Roberto

They run out to see Pietro the squid wreaking havoc.

"Die, **diiiieeeeeeeeeeee**", laughs Pietro.

"Ooooh suspenseful!", says Lance, "…this isn't a Sam and Roberto pairing, is it?"

_**No, you idiot. **_

"Okay, just asking, seesh"

**&&&&**

Yey, one act down! There'll be more, though updates are sparse, 'cause of work experience. I should get another act done tomorrow, though, wee! Do review. Until next time…


	2. Sushi and chaos

A Pirates Life for Me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "This movie stops at nothing... and stays there"

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Act 2 – Sushi and Chaos

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We open on where Sam's guards are trying to fight Pietro, Rahne runs over, biting one of Pietro's tentacles.

"Oww!", says Pietro.

"No talking!", snaps Lance as Pietro raises his tentacle, Rahne still attached up in the air.

"Go Rahne", smirked Roberto

Rahne is tossed free, and flies through the air back to the pirate ship.

"I gotcha, I gotcha", says Magneto, then winces as Rahne lands on him, "….bad back"

"Well, I see you're busy", says Roberto, "So, uh, stay in touch"

Sam blinks in surprise as Roberto begins to walk off.

"Wait! Wait!", he says, "You're just going to run away?"

"Uh, yeah", says Roberto, then blinks as their ships part, trapping him on Sam's ship.

"Roberto", says Piotr from where he is trying to steer the ship, ducking pieces of wood being flung at him.

"**MY SHIP!**", snaps Roberto

Meanwhile, Sam is fighting Pietro, stabbing him with his sword and suchnot. Suddenly, a mouthpiece pops out and grabs Jason, sucking him into his mouth.

"**I regret everything!**", yells Jason before he is eaten.

"Heads up!", shouts Roberto, before firing a lighted canon at Pietro, who eats it.

"How, stand by for sushi", says Roberto.

The cannon blows up in Pietro, but does nothing but make him spew out slime…and a still alive Jason. Jason blinks in surprise, before grabbing his sword, running back at Pietro.

"Give that guy a raise", says Roberto

"Come on, Roberto, lets go!", says Sam, going to run for it as Pietro wreaks the ship some more.

"Wait, stand your ground", says Roberto, before whistling.

"What are you doing?", blinks Sam.

"Hey, lobster boy, over here!", shouts Roberto.

"Don't call me lobster boy!", snaps Pietro, shooting his mouth piece at Roberto.

Roberto sticks his sword in it, pinning it toe the ship. As Pietro tries to get free, Sam and Roberto run for it, Roberto grabbing one end, tossing the other to Sam, them both being on opposite sides of the mast, the rope around it.

"Lets go", smirks Roberto

The two grab each others hands, running up the mast, Roberto pulling up a dagger buried within it with his foot half way and tossing it into his mouth, as they get to the top, he spits it into his hand.

"And the plan?", asks Sam.

"How about try not to get killed?", tries Roberto.

Roberto cuts his end of the…umm bit that hold the sail.

"Someone knows nothing about ships, and is writing a pirate story", says Lance.

Roberto tosses the dagger to Sam.

"Here, you'll need this"

"Where are you going?", blinks Sam.

"Fishing", grins Roberto, beginning to tightrope walk over a rope above Pietro, "Left,right,left,right,left,right,left,right"

Pietro reaches up a tentacle, grabbing the rope, Roberto diving onto the other mast, using his own dagger and cutting his.. sailing thing. Sam twigs onto his idea as both saily things are now pointing downwards towards Pietros head.

"Now!", shouts Roberto as they cut the ropes ate the same, the saily things flying down, stabbing Pietro in the head.

"….Death!", whines Pietro, as Roberto and Sam dangle above him from ropes.

"You okay?", asks Roberto as he landed.

"Yeah", says Sam, "Thanks for sticking around"

"Ahh, just like old times", says Roberto as Pietro slides back into the water, his tentacle heading for Sam's head, "look out!"

Roberto knocks him aside, and is dragged down into the water. Sam is about to dive after him, but is stopped by his men.

"Wow…what a crappy movie", says Lance, "the hero's dead already"

Roberto and Pietro sink down below the ocean, where Wanda suddenly appears in her floaty oily self. If Roberto could talk..he'd probably say something akin to 'I'm screwed'. But he can't. So there. Wanda blows a bubble, which grows and takes in Roberto, letting him breathe

"The day began with such promise", says Wanda, "And now loo. My sea-monster-brother is dead, and I still don't have the book of peace. All because of you, Roberto"

Roberto blinks as she appears next to him.

"I'm screwed", he says.

Told you.

"Uh…huh", says Roberto, "And you are?..."

"Wanda, the Goddess of Discord", says Wanda, "No doubt you've seen my likeness on the temple walls"

She creates herself bat-like wings from her fingers.

"…..You're Batwoman?", blinks Lance, "Who knew?"

"You know", Roberto chuckles nervously, "They don't do you justice"

"Uh huh", says Wanda dryly, "No, about my sea-monster-brother"

"Right, right", says Roberto, "Listen, I'm sorry about that. I don't suppose a heartfelt apology would do?"

"No, it wouldn't", whines dead-Pietro.

"Heartfelt?", laughs Wanda, "From you? Roberto, you don't have a heart"

"…Okay, I know he killed your brother and all, but ouch", says Lance.

"That's what I like about you", she smiles.

"…..Are you coming on to me?", blinks Roberto.

"So, I'm going to let you live", says Wanda, brushing a hand over his cheek.

"I think you **ARE** coming on to me", says Roberto.

"But there's just one little thing you have to do", says Wanda.

"I don't do anything too kinky", says Roberto, "It's bad for my back"

Wanda gives him a deadly glare.

"Get the book of peace, and bring it to me", she says.

"Right. Hmmm", says Roberto, "Now, see, that's a problem for me because I had my own plans for it. Ransom, get rich. You know, 'me' stuff".

He squeaks as Wanda appears in front of him again.

"You're not thinking big enough, Roberto", she says, creating a version of his dagger out of nothing, "steal the book for ransom, and you'll be rich enough to lounge on an island beach. Steal the book for me, and you can buy the beach, and the island and the world"

"Hmmm", says Roberto, mulling this over, "You let me live, you make me rich, I retire to paradise. So far, I don't see a downside. If you keep your word"

Wanda sighs.

"Roberto, when a goddess gives her word", she says, cutting an X on her collarbone, with the dagger, which glows white, "she's bound for all eternity"

"Kinky", says Lance.

"All right", says Roberto, "you're on"

"I knew you'd see it my way", purrs Wanda, "So, when you've stolen the book.."

She makes an image of the sea in the bubbles wall, showing a bright star in the sky.

"Follow that star beyond the horizon", she says, "You'll find yourself in Tartarus, my Realm of Chaos"

"Tartarus", blinks Roberto.

"Sounds like some sort of microwaveable snack food", says Lance.

"I'll see you there", grins Roberto.

"It's a date then", smirks Wanda, making his dagger vanish as he reaches out to grab it, "So, where were we? Oh, yes. You were holding your breath"

Roberto blinks as she vanishes, the bubble filling with water as he swims to the surface. Wanda smirks, watching from the depths.

"He's so cute", she smirks.

"….You **were** coming on to him!", says Lance.

Wanda ignores him, watching as Pietro suddenly reappears.

"Hey, everyone, I'm not dead!", he grins.

"And so gullible", says Wanda, then turns to see Pietro, " Pietro, well done"

On the surface, Roberto comes up, coughing and spluttering, before being hauls on his ship by Piotr as they sail past.

"Roberto, you're alive!", grins Evan, "glad you made it!"

He looks over at Remy.

"Pay up, he lived"

"…..Crap", says Remy, handing Evan some gold.

"What happened down there?", asks Piotr.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you", says Roberto.

"Try me", says Piotr.

"All right, here goes", says Roberto, "So I meet Wanda, the Goddess of Chaos. She's got a major crush on me, and she invited me back to her place"

Piotr arches a brow, then laughs,

"Hah, that's a good one", he says, "Goddess of Chaos? Oh, I'm writing that down"

Roberto scowls as Piotr walks off, laughing. Todd swings down from a rope by Roberto's head.

"So that's it then?", he asks, "No book? Now what do we do?"

"A little patience Toad", says Roberto, "It's not like we don't know where it's going"

They watch Sam's ship sailing off, Sam smiling, noticing Roberto's still alive

"Men and Viper, all sails to Bayville!", he says.

**&&&&**

Ahhh the joy of evil, huh? In the next instalment, we meet a lovely lady. Yey! Do review. Until next time….


	3. Party crashing

A Pirates Life for Me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I remember the last time you had a party. I found you face-down in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins"

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Act 3 – Party crashing

**&&&&**

We watch Sam's ship sail into Bayville, which has been decked out as a fancy load of cities on the water.

"Guys, we spent most of our budget on this get-up, so if the rest of the parody is crap, I apologise", says Lance.

The crowd cheers as Sam's men carry the book of peace into a tower, where they lay it to rest. It shines out of the tower like a beacon.

"For as long as I can remember", says Logan, from where he stands watching it, "I've dreamed of this moment. The scared treasure that's protected us fer a thousand years is now in Bayville"

We see he is making a toast as a fancy shindig.

"Ta the book of peace", he says, raising his wine glass.

"And to you, King Logan and Prince Samuel", says Xavier.

"King Logan, boo-yah", says Logan, "I knew this day would come. I knew. I just had ta bide my time"

"….Why do a'h keep getting replacement father figures in these parodies?", blinks Sam, "do you guys want to give me a complex or something?"

Suddenly, he guards rush off to the doors, where Roberto and his crew have crashed the party.

"You see?", sighs Roberto, "This is what happens when you use the front entrance"

"What is he doing here?", grumbles Logan as he and Sam head towards them.

"At least he's not out robbing someone", says Sam optimistically.

"That's because everyone worth robbing is here!", snaps Logan.

Still surrounded by guards, Roberto smirks at Sabertooth.

"I'll bet you ten crowns you're about to put those swords down", he says.

"I'll take that bet", growls Sabertooth.

"Guards", says Sam, "put away your swords"

Roberto grins smugly at Sabertooth as he does as he's told.

"One day, smug boy", mutters Sabertooth, "one day"

"I don't see you for ten years, and now twice in one day", Sam puts a hand to his head dramatically, "you're smothering me"

Roberto laughs, shaking his hand.

"I knew you'd want to thank me for saving your life", he says, "…again"

"You probably just heard we had free food and wine", laughs Sam, leading Roberto away.

"You hear that guys?", Roberto calls to his crew from over his shoulder, "Dinner and drinks are on the prince"

"Come on", says Sam, "There's someone a'h want you to meet"

"Get to work", Roberto whispers to his crew before following Sam.

Just as Piotr steps forward, Caliban steps in front of him.

"Weaponsssss?"

Piotr arches a brow, and suddenly pulls two swords, amking a few guards step back. Piotr smiles pleasantly, putting them on the table, and heading into the party. He is followed by Toad. Forge stops and starts unloading piles of nasty-looking gadgets out.

"….Where is he keeping it all?", blinks Lance.

"Here she is", says Sam as he leads Roberto through the crowd, "Ah've told her all about you"

Roberto grins as he steals Nick Fury's wine before he can drink it.

"……No wine makes Nick a…sad, sad man", sighs Nick.

Sam clears his throat.

"Roberto, I would like to introduce you to my fiancée", he says, "the Lady Danielle, Ambassador from Dark Hollow"

Dani grins as she walks over, all dressed up smart-like, Roberto blinking at her dumbfounded.

"I get to be engaged to Sam **and** get hot Rob action?", she asks, "and I thought making out with Freddy was fun!"

"Whore", says Lance.

"So, this is the infamous Roberto", says Dani, looking him up and down, "I heard all about this morning. First, you try to rob Sam, and then you save his life"

She smirks.

"So, which are you?", she asks, "A thief or a hero?"

"You can be both!", whines Remy from backstage.

"Roberto wanted to give me an opportunity to thank…", Sam blinks as Roberto suddenly walks into the crowd, "…him"

Elsewhere in the hall, Rahne is walking along the table, eating everything in sight.

"**I'm hungry like the woooooooooooooooolf**", she sings.

At the other end, Todd is talking to Xavier, his arms full of various foodstuffs.

"Eight months on the sea with nothin' but eggs and pickles", he says, "you don't know what that can do ta a man"

"….Go away, you smelly person", mutters Xavier.

Todd grins as Roberto walks past.

"It's almost too easy", he says, "There's only a handful'a gurds"

"Forget it", says Roberto, pushing past as Piotr walks over, "Let's get back to the ship"

"Just like that?", asks Piotr, "But the book is almost ours"

He frowns, looking the way Roberto came from, noticing Dani and Sam.

"Oh", he blinks.

"What?", asks Todd, dropping his food, "Who's she? An old girlfriend?"

"Hey, a line you said in the show!", Lance grins, "Cool"

"I'm afraid it's not that simple", says Piotr, "Lets go"

He walks past where Forge has put the last of his gadgets on the now piled high table.

"Forge, pack it up"

"What?", says Forge, "I just put the…..awwww!"

Muttering to himself, he picks up his stuff and heads off after them. On the roof of the building, Wanda watches them.

"Oh, this is just too easy", she chuckles, and vanishes.

Elsewhere, Sam and Dani are having a moment alone.

"Bow chicka wow wow", says Jamie, appearing from nowhere.

"Get lost you little pervert!", snaps Lance.

"Look at it this way", says Dani, "Now that Roberto's gone, your father can finally relax and enjoy the evening"

"Well, you're right about that", chuckles Sam, "He's trying not to show it, but he's so proud to have the book in Bayville. He's been planning this day his whole life"

"And soon it will be your responsibility", says Dani.

"Our responsibility", smiles Sam, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"Don't make me kill you", growls Rahne from backstage.

They smile and look out across the nicely sci-fi effected city and ocean.

"It's beautiful", sighs Dani, looking at the ocean.

"It is. My father spent years preparing it for the book", says Sam, looking at the tower and getting the wrong end of the stick completely, as he is prone to do, "There are guards on every level, and if you look up to the…"

He pauses, noticing Dani arching a brow at him.

"Ah", he chuckled nervously, "You were talking about the ocean, weren't you?"

"I only wish I'd seen more of it", says Dani, "I used to imagine sailing far beyond the twelve cities, discovering the world"

She sighs, walking over to the balcony.

"Oh, look at it, Sam", she sighs, "There's so much wonder"

"….A'hm slightly scared", says Sam, "A'h remember what Dani was like in the Hercules parody…she scared me"

"I was hormonal and you looked good in a toga", snapped Dani.

"Children, be nice", says Lance.

"Dani", says Sam, taking her to a seat, kneeling on the floor next to her, "Our marriage was arranged many years ago"

"…It was?", blinks Dani, "First I heard of it"

"Script, Dani, script", says Lance.

"It's always been expected of us", he continues, "But politics is not a reason to get married, and a'h don't want you to do this just because it's your duty"

Sam sighs.

"A'hm asking you for myself now", he says, "Danielle, will you marry me?"

"…Awww, he's so cute", says Dani, "can I have both?"

"No!", snaps Lance.

"….Darn", sighs Dani.

Before she can reply to Sam, Logan comes walking over.

"There ya are!", he says, "I think the delegates from the Morlock tunnels are tryin' ta give a toast. Though I'm not sure. They're doin' somethin' with their knees. Danielle, I need an ambassador"

Dani sighs, looking at Sam, then smiling at Logan.

"Of course, Sire", she says, following him, Sam trailing behind.

None of them notice Wanda heading into the book tower as a shadow. Inside, she causes a candle to blow out, Gauntlet, who is on guard duty, pauses and blinks, pulling out his sword.

"A little trigger happy, aren't we?", asks Lance.

Gauntlet shakes his head at the candle, sheathing his sword, pausing to look at the book, not seeing Wanda shadow appearing behind him. She resumes solid form long enough to smother two candles with her hands, before vanishing again.

"…Someone's playing mind games on me", whimpers Gauntlet, "who's there!"

Wanda lands on the floor behind a pillar, making a puppet Roberto, stepping inside him and walking out towards Gauntlet, pulling out his/her dagger.

"**I got no strings to hold me down!**", sings Wanda.

"Roberto!", snaps Gauntlet.

"Dude, Roberto's eyes aren't yellow", says Lance, "…well, at least at night, away"

Gauntlet goes to cut him with his sword, which 'Roberto' blocks with 'his' dagger, before happily punching out Gauntlet.

"I love playing pretend", grins Wanda, assuming her true form, putting Roberto's dagger in the ground next to an unconscious Gauntlet.

She chuckles evily, grabbing the book.

"All the pieces are coming together", she says.

She shuts the book with a slam, causing a great darkness to fall over the land, and causing a few earthquakes.

"Dum dum duuuuuuum", says Lance

**&&&&&**

Awww, poor Sammy. Do review. Until next time….


	4. Substitution

A Pirates Life for Me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "If you don't understand it, shoot it"

**&&&**

Act 4 – Substitution

**&&&**

Not long after Wanda steals the book of peace, we see Roberto being tossed into jail by Caliban and Leech, chained up. Sam frowns at him from the other side of the room.

"Roberto"

"Sam!", says Roberto, "It's about time"

"….For what?", asks Lance, "the guys had you chained up!"

"Do you realise how serious this is?", asks Sam.

"Do** you **realise how many times I've heard that today?", shoots back Roberto.

"Five", says Lance.

"Twelve", shouts Todd form backstage.

"Twenty five!", shouts Kurt

"You've betrayed Bayville", snaps Sam

"Oh, not you too", groans Roberto.

"Stealing the book of Peace, when you knew how much it meant to us!", shouts Sam.

"Sam, here's the way it works", explains Roberto, "First, I actually **commit **a crime, and **then** you get to blame me for it"

"That's not how the X-Geeks work", says Lance

"Then how do you explain this?", asks Sam, pulling out Roberto's dagger from his coat.

"I mean, I didn't even steal any of the X-Vehicles, and Blinky still blamed me for it!", rants on Lance

Ignoring Lance, Roberto stares at the dagger, before blinking.

"Wanda"

"What?", asks a puzzled Sam.

"Wanda…she framed me!", says Roberto.

"Roberto, listen to yourself", says Sam pointedly.

"Trust me, Sam", says Roberto.

"Last time a'h trusted you, a'h ended up half-naked in the swimming pool with the words 'A'h am a fish' written on ma'h forehead", says Sam.

"The book is in Tartarus", says Roberto, "and you deserved it"

"Does Tartarus fight the five leading causes of gum disease?", ponders Lance

"Talk to your father", says Roberto, "Tell him I'm.."

"This is beyond ma'h father", says Sam, "The ambassadors are convening now for your trial"

"Whoah, whoah, whoah, trial?", asks Roberto, "I didn't do it! Look, I left the book on your ship, and that's the last I saw of it. You were there. You know the truth. You know me"

"Do A'h?", asks Sam, "A'h knew a kid. Who are you now, Roberto?"

"You just answered your own question", points out Lance unhelpfully.

"Look me in the eye and tell me", says Sam, "Did you steal the book?"

Roberto looks at Sam levelly.

"No"

We shift scenes to Roberto's trial.

"We've heard enough of yer lies", snaps Logan, "Roberto, for the last time, give us the book"

"How many times do I have to say it?", sighs Roberto, "I don't have it"

"Very well, then", says Xavier, "The Delegation of the Twelve Cities finds you guilty of treason, and we sentence you to die. Take him away".

"…..That isn't very nice", says Lance, "I knew something was twisted about that guy".

"Come on, this is a joke, right?", snaps Roberto as he is led away, "Are you people blind? I didn't do it!"

"Stop!", says Sam, walking through the crowd, "A'h demand the right of substitution"

"The right of whaty-what-now?", asks Lance

"Take me in his place", says Sam.

"Oh, right, gotcha", says Lance, "continue"

"No!", snaps Logan.

"Roberto says that Wanda took the book", says Sam, "and A'h believe him. Let him go to Tartarus and recover the book".

"What?", blinks Roberto, blinking out of the smirk he'd been growing.

Roberto moves over to Sam, giving him a prod as the council begin to talk amongst themselves.

"What are you doing?", he asks.

"You claim that Wanda stole the book", says Sam, "steal it back. You're good at that".

"Hey, look, I will not be responsible for your life", says Roberto.

"Always a good thing to hear form your team-mate", says Lance

"You would do the same for me", says Sam.

"No, I wouldn't", says Roberto.

"That's even better", says Lance

"If Roberto is allowed to leave the city, he'll never come back!", snaps Logan, "Son, listen to reason".

"No, Father, you listen", says Sam, then addresses the court, "Roberto either stole the book or he's telling the truth and it's in Tartarus. Either way. he's our only hope".

"But you can't", we can see Dani arguing with Xavier with the other ambassadors.

"Samuel", says Xavier, "You realize that if Roberto does not return, you will be put to death in his place".

"A'h understand", sighs Sam.

"So be it", says Xavier, "Roberto has ten days to return the book"

"Release him", scowls Logan, Roberto being released and the handcuffs being put on Sam, who is led away.

Sam pauses as they pass by Dani, giving her one of his token Sam-smiles. The kind that makes girls go squee.

"Squee", says Dani,

"Just like that", says Lance.

"Oh, and Roberto", calls Sam, "don't be late"

Roberto groans, wincing as Dani gives him a glare. We shift scenes to Roberto's ship as it sails out of Bayville harbour. Todd lights a torch in his hands, and proceeds to swing around the ship on a rope, lighting all the candles. Piotr holds one up as Todd swings past, it lighting before he puts it down, not once looking up from his map. Piotr sighs, walking over to where Roberto is staring at Wanda's star in the horizon.

"So any idea how me actually get to Tartarus?", he asks.

"Tartarus?", asks Roberto, "Oh, no, no, no, no. People get killed in Tartarus"

"…So where are we going?", blinks Piotr.

Roberto unfurls a map with a hula girl on it.

"Fiji!", he proclaims proudly.

"Fiji?", asks Piotr, "This time of year?".

"Think of the beaches", grins Roberto.

"Oh, beautiful", says Piotr dryly, "if you like mosquitoes".

"I do", says Todd as he whizzes past, "Umm…I can't stop"

"Think of the sun", tries Roberto, "oh, glorious sun"

"It's monsoon season", reasons Piotr.

"Oh", grins Roberto, "then the women"

"They're cannibals, Roberto", points out Piotr.

"Exactly", grins Roberto.

"…That's just wrong", says Lance

Piotr groans, walking away.

"Come on, Piotr", says Roberto.

"He's your friend", says Piotr.

"Oh, here we go", sighs Lance "Mr. Righteous"

"Listen to you", tuts Roberto, "You sound like my mother"

"….Your mother is a 6-foot plus Russian guy?", asks Lance.

"Sam will be fine", says Roberto, ignoring Lance's comment.

"You're sure of that?", asks Piotr.

"You and I both know Logan is not going to let them execute his only son", says Roberto.

"So, we're running away?", asks Piotr.

"We're retiring", counters Roberto, "We don't need another score. We've got enough. Now, set a course for Fiji".

Piotr sighs, going to the helm.

"Gentlemen", shouts Roberto, "we're heading for Fiji!"

The guys cheer, starting their Fiji chant again. Roberto sighs, heading to his quarters.

**&&&&**

Another chapter done, wee! Next up, Roberto gets an unexpected stowaway. Do review. Until next time….


	5. Stowaway

A Pirates Life for Me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer:"I'm gonna kill this kid if he doesn't leave... Now if you leave, I'll know you were eavesdropping and kill you anyway"

**&&&**

Act 5 – Stowaway

**&&&**

As he walks down to his quarters, Roberto is muttering about Piotr's righteousness. He pauses as he opens the door, however, seeing Dani walking around his cabin.

"Look at all this", she muses, "I can't believe it"

Roberto hides behind the door, a WTF expression on his face. Dani, meanwhile, walks over to a sword stand made of bones.

"Oh, this can't be real", she says, "It'd be far too delic…"

As she touches it, a pieces falls off.

"You break it, you bought it", says Lance.

Roberto's eyes widen a little as Dani walks away from it.

"This is more like it", she says, "Stolen from Venezia"

Roberto takes a deep breath, walking in quietly as Dani continues to rummage through his stuff.

"That's so rude", says Lance, "you're worse than Tabby"

"From Pompeii", continues Dani, then holds up a very kinky bra, "And from a brothel in Bayville…"

"There's a brothel in Bayville?", blinks Lance, "**where!**"

"Good guess", says Roberto, coming up behind her.

Dani squeaks, turning around.

"What do you think you're doing down here?", scowls Roberto.

"Messing with your stuff, what does it look like?", asks Lance.

"I'm here to make sure you get the book of peace", replies Dani, "Or bring back your dead body if you fail".

"…Or that", adds Lance

"Really?", asks Roberto, humouring her, "And how are you going to pull that off?"

By whatever means necessary", says Dani.

"….This is starting to sound like a porn flick", mutters Lance.

"Did you bring a crew?", asks Roberto.

"No", admits Dani.

"You know how to get to Tartarus?".

"Ummm", Dani sighs, "No"

"Can you navigate on your own?", tries Roberto.

"**Yes!**", says Dani proudly.

"Well, **good!**", smiles Roberto, "Then I'll dump your butt in a rowboat, and you can paddle all the way back to Bayville. 'Cause we're going to Fiji"

"Where you'll get a sheep and a goat and raise horses", smiles Lance (1)

"Fiji?", asks Dani as Roberto settles on his hammock, pulling his hat over his eyes.

"Yup", smiles Roberto.

"Just as I thought", smirks Dani.

"What?", asks Roberto, raising his hat.

"Roberto, you're not a very complicated guy", says Dani, "All someone has to do is imagine the most gutless course of action, and you're bound to take it".

"Ouch", says Lance.

"Hay, this is not my problem", scowls Roberto, "I did not steal the book"

"You're really not going to lose any sleep over this, are you?", asks Dani.

"Not a wink", replied Roberto.

"Because me", sighs Dani, "I'd be tossing and turning, knowing I'm alive because I let my friend **die**"

Roberto groans, getting up off his hammock.

"I'm not responsible for this mess!", he snaps, "And I didn't ask Sam to put his neck on the line for me".

"Look, clearly I can't appeal to your honour", says Dani, then smirks, "but I have other ways of convincing you"

Roberto blinks. The kind of 'am I going to get lucky?' blink.

"Really?", he clears his throat, "Uhhh…just how do you expect to do that?"

"By speaking your language", smirks Dani, inching closer.

"Portuguese?", asks Lance.

Dani rolls her eyes at Lance, then pulls out a diamond from nowhere. Roberto blinks at it, before taking it.

"Keep talking"

Dani promptly opens out a bag of jewels into his hand. Roberto considers, weighing then in his hand.

"Yup, this'll do", he smiles, "But not for first class"

We cut to the deck, where Roberto comes out of his quarters, Dani slung over his shoulder, the Cheyenne beating the crap out of his back as he does so.

"As you can see, we're well equipped to accommodate the most discerning of royal tastes", he says, "We have **excellent** ocean views, luxurious living quarters.."

He dumps her into the food store.

"With **three** gourmet meals a day!", he grins, "pickles, eggs and **pickles!**"

Rahne barks as she walks in.

"Oh, hey, Rahne, there you are", grins Roberto, then looks at Dani, "I'd like to introduce you to your new bunkmate, well, actually, you're her new bunkmate, as it's actually her bunk"

Rahne trots over, giving Dani a lick.

"We do hope you have a pleasant stay aboard the Chimera", grins Roberto, "Oh, and fi she starts hugging your leg, it means she likes you"

"…Why would I want tae..", Rahne shakes her head, "you know what, I'm gunnae let the Dani-Rahne fans have their moment"

"If you think", growls Dani, getting up, but having the door slammed and locked in front of her.

"How did she even get on the ship?", muses Roberto as he looks at his diamond.

His question is answered when he sees the rest of the crew holding jewels of their own. Seeing they'd been noticed, they all attempt to hide their loot. Remy sticks his in his mouth, while Magneto gives an exaggerated yawn to hide it behind his back. Roberto sighs.

"Gentlemen, we have a new course", he says, "We're going to Tartaus"

The crew don't take this too well.

"Huh?", asks Remy, spitting out his jewel, "What happened to Fiji!"

"What, no fun?", asks Evan.

"No beaches?", whimpers Remy

Roberto scowls, walking off, only to be hit by a wreath of flowers from above.

"Toad!"

"Sorry, Captain", calls Todd form the crows nest, where he is wearing a similar wrath, then slides down a rope to dangle by Roberto's head, "But did you say Tartarus?"

"That's right", says Roberto.

"Will that be the same Tartaus form which no sailor ever returns?", squeaks Todd, "The Tartarus of lost souls, where they grind your bones and pickle your spleen and…."

"No, Toad", smiles Roberto dryly, "This is the **nice** Tartarus, with lots of beaches and drinks. You know, with little umbrellas?"

Todd smiles happily, muttering to himself in Italian. Roberto shakes his head, walking over to where Piotr is leaning on the helm.

"….Why did I not get a jewel?", he frowns.

"Because you're the nice guy with morals", says Lance, "congratulations"

"I'm only doing this for the money", says Roberto pointedly.

"Riiiiight", says Piotr, "So, how do we get there?"

"That star's our point", says Roberto, pointing at it.

Piotr moves the helm in the right direction, heading for the star. Meanwhile, Wanda is watching this from what appears to be a champagne glass.

"Our little thief isn't going to run away", she sighs, as he beasties move around her, "He thinks he's going to pay us a visit"

"Hmmm", she smirks, "Let's provide some mood music"

She stirs her finger in the glass, soft singing being heard.

**&&&&**

(1) – A line form Red Dwarf about Fiji. Blame Astreia for reminding me of it ;)

Uh oh. Next up, they're only girls, but they can rule the world. Yup. Sirens. Do review. Until next time…


	6. Mood music

A Pirates Life for Me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Drunks are so cute"

**&&&**

Act 6 – Mood music

**&&&&**

We open on the ship as the door to Roberto's cabin is prised open by Dani. She walks out, looking behind her.

"Oh, come on, you look great"

Rahne whines, padding after her, her fur on her head in a pink bow.

"I look like an ass", she mutters

The second Dani walks off, Rahne shakes the bow off.

"…I hate bows, this isnae Crufts, damnit!"

Dani walks onto deck to see the men at work, nearly being taken out by a couple of poles Forge is carrying.

"Watch it, Jerkoff", she snaps.

"Bite me", he says, walking off.

"…Okay, you were nicer to each other in the script, but whatever", shrugs Lance.

Dani scowls, then blinks at a nasty looking cavern of rocks they are heading to. Sharp, pointy rocks.

"The dragon's teeth?", she blinks.

Todd clears his throat, jumping from the crows nest to dangle by her head.

"Indeed, signorina", he says, "Only the most **foolish of captains** would dare sail a ship through this"

"I heard that", says Roberto, "Toad, rig the fores'le. I don't know what it is, but it sounds gooood. Fores'le"

"Excuse me, signorina", smiles Todd, jumping back up.

Dani frowns, walking over to where Roberto is at the helm.

"Fores'le", he smiles to himself.

"Are you sure you know what…", she starts.

"Yes, we've done this kind of thing before", says Roberto.

"Look…"

"No, there is no other way", he cuts in again.

"But…"

"And, yes, you have my permission to stand there quietly and get a free lesson in sailing"

"You know…", starts Dani.

"Besides, a ship is no place for a woman", finishes Roberto.

"….You are **so** asking for a slap", says Lance.

The ship sails off towards the sharp, pointy rocks, sailing carefully through them.

"Steady as she goes", says Roberto.

"Rocks, off the starboard bow", shouts Todd.

"**Clingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow**", sings Lance. (1)

As the ship starts to avoid pointy rocks, we see some shipwrecks, as a soft singing starts up.

"Steady", says Roberto

They pass a wooden sculpture at the front of a boat.

"Another Todd Fan inability to know nautical terms", says Lance.

…..That looks a lot like Tabby.

"What is that sound?", asks Dani, only to be shushed by Roberto.

Suddenly, watery figure drop from figurines that look like Kitty and Amara into the water, causing Dani to gasp.

"Now, for the purposes of making this scene as real as possible", says Lance, "I got the entire male crew absolutely drunk on vodka jelly"

"….I thought it tasted funny", giggles Todd.

More sirens arrive as Jean, Tabby and Rogue drop into the water.

"If they start singing that song with a music video, I'm leaving", says Lance.

"Roberto, I…", starts Tabby, not noticing Roberto has a rather stupid grin on his face.

Rahne begins barking, causing Dani to look over the side of the ship, where Tabby and Kitty jump past.

"Sirens", blinks Dani, "pity I was introduced after that…I'd have liked to kick ass"

Meanwhile, the male crew, duly high on vodka jellies watch the sirens, entranced.

"Roberto", says Dani, giving him a shake as the ship goes into more dangerous water, Roberto in a daze.

"Remy? Evan?", tries Dani.

Both are also thoroughly drunk as they stagger around the deck, Evan managing to kiss Remy's armpit.

"…That's gonna sting in the morning", muses Lance.

"Come and get it, ladies!", grins Magneto, taking off his shirt.

"**MY EYES!**", screams Lance.

"…Reminds me of when we were younger, and got really drunk in this club in….", Xavier trails off, "….I'm going to go back to being backstage now, that's an R rated story"

"Piotr?", tries Dani.

"Come with me", smiles Piotr, "We'll speak of love"

Todd is blowing kisses to the sirens while swinging on a rope…hitting a mast with a thud.

"….We're all gonna die", sighs Dani

"Who's bad", asks Roberto, "Sin-bad"

"….That joke doesn't even work here!", snaps Lance.

"Ah, men!", snaps Dani

"Sink the ship, sink the ship. sink the ship", chant the sirens.

Dani grabs Roberto by the leg, roughly pulling him away from the helm, taking it herself as she tries to doge the sharp, pointy rocks. The sirens bring a wave of water on the men, giggling.

"I saw her first!", snaps Remy

Dani grabs a rope, handing it to Rahne.

"Round the deck, now!", she shouts.

Rahne runs off with the rope, tying the crew together.

"Amore, amore, amore!", sings Todd as he sails on his rope.

…Except Todd.

"Toad!", snaps Dani

As Todd leans in to give Tabby a kiss, she pulls him under.

"He's part amphibian, I'm sure he can't drown", says Lance, "….this is a good way to find out, anyway"

Dani frowns, putting the dazed Roberto on the helm, so he acts as a deadweight, as she runs over to save Todd, singing on ropes to get him out of the water. Dani grins at her success, but frowns as Kitty moves over to Roberto, trailing a hand over his chin and leading him away.

"…….Hey", says Lance.

"Rahne, get Roberto", shouts Dani.

"With pleasure", she smirks, biting his rear, yanking him back onto deck..and right into Jean, who also begins flirting with him.

With horror, Dani realises they are right over a waterfall, and about to go down it. She falls down the length of the ship, right into Jean, causing her to shatter, and Dani to be lips-to-lips with Roberto.

"….Berto is going to be castrated", says Lance.

Dani growls, punching Roberto to get away, before rushing back to the helm.

"Rahne, the blades!"

Rahne barks, yanking a lever, causing the blades to appear at either side of the ship. These cut through wreaked ships and sirens alike, so Dani can steer the ship through the sirens and into safer water, Roberto getting clonked on the head by some debris. Albeit a bit broken up, the ship lands safely as the men come back around.

"…After quite a bit of coffee", smiles Lance.

Dani lets out a breath as she steers the ship, the picture of calm. Roberto blinks suspiciously as he notices they are out of the nasty area…and Dani is steering his ship.

"…..Did I have a blackout?", he mutters.

"Oh, my precious", purrs Kurt, kissing a fish.

"Wake up, you idiot", says Ray, giving him a slap.

"….Oww", whines Kurt, "I have one scene, and I kiss a fish and get slapped…that's just cruel"

"What happened?", blinks Evan.

"We ate vodka jellies, that's what happened", says Magneto, "this is worse than that time in that club in…"

"We decided not to tell that story", says Xavier.

"Roberto saved us", says Remy.

"No, Dani", says Todd, from where he is still dangling by a rope.

Roberto scowls as the crew murmur about Dani saving them. He stalks over to where she is at the helm.

"All right men, snap out of it", says Piotr, "Lets get back to reality. We got a ship to sail"

"Here's my little hero", smiles Dani, patting Rahne on the head, "You were so brave. Yeah, what a good dog"

"Wolf", says Rahne.

Roberto clears his throat.

"Still think a ship's no place for a woman?", Dani asks smugly.

"Absolutely!", snaps Roberto, "I mean, look at my ship!"

He gestures to destroyed parts of it.

"This railing was hand-carved mahogany!", he rants, "And here! These moldings came all the way from Damascus! Do you have any idea what I went through to steal these?"

Roberto scoffs, crossing his arms.

"That's exactly why women shouldn't drive"

"……Yup, that's it, he's a dead man", says Lance.

Dani looks like she could very well kill him for a moment.

"Are you crazy?", she snaps, "I saved your life!"

"Oh, I would have been fine", says Roberto, taking the helm back, "I always am"

"Right", growls Dani, walking off, muttering under her breath, "So ungrateful. It's just typical"

"**And you chipped the paint!**", Roberto snaps after her, "Right there look at it. That's more than a little scratch"

Dani scowls, **slamming** the door of the food store behind her. The crew turns to look at Roberto. Rahne barks, looking at him disgustedly. Roberto groans as he walks past towards the food stores.

"The dog and the crew and that…that woman!", he snaps, banging on the door, giving the crew a glare.

"What?", snaps Dani as she opens the door.

"**Thank you!**", snaps Roberto.

"**You're welcome!**", snaps Dani

"**No problem!**", says Roberto.

"**Don't worry about it**", growls Dani

"**I won't!**"

"**Good!**"

"**Goodbye!**"

"**Bye to you!**"

Dani slams the door behind her again.

"…If you two weren't screaming at each other, I'd say you were making progress", says Lance.

Roberto glares at the crew, who wander off to do their work.

"You happy now?", he asks Rahne.

Rahne barks happily. Then tilts her head as Roberto walks away, a piece of bare ass showing thanks to her bite.

"Shake that ass!", she giggles.

"….And with that disturbing thought, lets cut", says Lance.

**&&&&**

(1) – Proof I am a child of the 80's. A line from the song 'Star Trekkin' by the Firm. My folks used to wake me up to see this music video, I loved it **that** much. Still hate Star Trek, but, God, that songs addictive.

Siren fun, no? Do review. Until next time…


	7. A big wet thing

A Pirates Life for Me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death?"

**&&&**

Act 7 – A big wet thing

**&&&**

We open the scene in Bayville, where Sam is sulkily looking outside his prison window.

"The fact a'h can fly out of here if I wanted to really depresses me", he says.

He tilts his head to the side as the door opens, Logan stepping through, followed by Sabertooth and Jason.

"Sam, come quickly", he says

"…Wha?", blinks Sam.

"There's a ship waiting in the harbour", says Logan, "A crew of my most trusted officers will take you far form Bayville"

"….Does that mean he don't trust us?", whispers Sabertooth to Jason, "'cause that'll give me an excuse ta maul him"

"There will be no maulings!", snaps Lance.

"But the ambassadors' guards?", asks Sam.

"Are asleep or well bribed", says Logan.

"When you asleep, do you really mean dead?", asks Sam, arching a brow.

"Potato, potato", says Logan, "We must go now"

"Go where?", asks Sam, "To live the rest of my life in exile?"

"I got exiled, it's not too bad", says Remy, "you just gotta be careful not to go nowhere they want to kill you, dat's all"

"…..So…much…bad…grammar", blinks Lance.

"To **live**, son", says Logan, "I won't let them exile you for Roberto's crime"

"Wow, you really** do** care", says Sam, "can a'h have a hug"

"**NO**"

"Neither will Roberto", says Sam stubbornly.

"What, hug you?", asks Lance.

"Sam, don't be foolish!", snaps Logan, "Roberto has no intentions of goin' ta Tartarus. The Roberto you knew as a child is…"

"Is still in him as a man", says Sam, "I've seen it"

"Reeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaally?", says Lance, "Yeah, no gay undertones there at all"

"Sam…", tries Logan.

"Go, not-my-real-father", says Sam, "I know what I'm doing"

He pats Logan's shoulder, despite the risks of severe bodily harm. Logan sighs, leaving the cell.

Elsewhere, we see the ship has docked on an island.

"All right, listen up", says Piotr, "We're here for ten minutes. You get lost, you get left"

He pauses.

"That's not very nice…"

"Memo to you, you're **pirates!**", says Lance.

Roberto is still sulking over his ship.

"How did one woman do so much damage?", he mutters, "All right, I'm going to need the full set of chisels, the jack plane and about a cord of cut wood"

"All right men", says Piotr, "you heard the captain. Find some logs and be quick about it"

Dani scowls at Roberto as he hugs his ship.

"Oh, for heaven's sake!", she snaps, "You only need a little tree sap, and she'll be as good as new"

"When I want your advice…", starts Roberto, then blinks as Dani walks ashore, "Hey, hey!"

"It's Krusty time!", shouts Lance, then coughs, "continue"

"Where do you think you're going?", asks Roberto, not getting an answer, "Well, fine! At least take someone with y…"

In a second the entire crew are around Dani, only too happy to help.

"Why, thank you", smiles Dani, "How nice to see some men haven't forgotten a little common courtesy"

"Common courtesy", mutters Roberto, "they want to see more than courtesy!"

He growls when he sees Piotr heading after them, a tiny little bucket in his huge hand.

"Not so fast"

"But you know she's right", says Piotr, "The tree sap would be prefect for…"

"**Just**", snaps Roberto, then takes a breath, "stay with the ship"

With that, he heads off onto land, following the group.

"I already said thank you", he calls back, "That's what this is all about, isn't it?"

"It's not what ye said, it's the way ye said it", says Rahne, "Do ye know nothing about women?"

"It's about repairing the ship", says Dani, walking over to a tree, "If I break something, I fix it. Knife please"

"Oh, yeah", snorts Roberto, "Like I'd give** you** a weapon?"

Dani smirks as everyone else offers up their knives.

"Thank you, Todd", she smiles, taking his.

"You know, you really ought to be a little more courteous", says Todd.

Roberto punches Todd off the rock without even looking at him.

"Oww", says Todd from the bushes.

"Oh, great", mutters Roberto, "Now I'm getting etiquette lessons from a bilge rat"

"Well, she did save the ship, Captain", points out Magneto.

"Why, thank you, Erik", says Dani pleasantly.

"**Why is everyone so damn nice to the harpy!**", screams Roberto.

"And now she's helping to fix it", says Todd, reappearing from the bushes.

Dani cuts the tree with the knife, getting some tree sap into a bucket.

"Very handy, I'd say", says Evan.

"And brave!", adds Remy.

Roberto groans, covering his face with his hand.

"This…..girl wouldn't know how to fix a broken fingernail!"

"Honestly", growls Dani, "You are the most boorish, pig-headed man I've ever met!"

"Hey, lady, I've seen the highborn boys your type hangs out with", he points to himself, "I'm the **only** man you've ever met"

"…And he says this around a group of men", says Lance, "Ingenious"

Dani growls as Roberto walks off, throwing the bucket at his head, so he gets covered in tree sap. Roberto stops and twitches, turning around. He smirks, leaning down and picking up a handful of mud…

"No", says Dani, "no, no, no no"

….Which is promptly tossed into Dani's face.

"Five on Dani", says Remy.

"You really will gamble on anything, won't you?", asks Evan.

"You…you", snarls Dani, wiping the mud from her face, "Egotistical"

"You spoiled", starts Roberto.

"Disrespectful"

"Pretentious, pompous"

"Deluded"

"Self-centred"

"High and mighty"

"Untrustworthy"

"It's like insult-o-rama", blinks Lance.

"Ungrateful, impossible, insufferable", rants Dani, tossing various things at Roberto's head.

"At least I'm not repressed!", snaps Roberto.

"Help, help, I'm being repressed", says Todd.

"Repressed!", snaps Dani, "I'll show **YOU** repressed!"

She growls, picking up a big rock, about to throw it at Roberto head when the entire island moves, all the trees going in, and a bright light shinning down on them.

"Awww, man, it's that living island thing that nearly killed the X-Men and did in the secret squad", says Todd.

"……..What?", asks Lance, "You've been talking to that Deadpool idiot again, haven't you?"

"I'll be quiet now", says Todd meekly.

"Put it back", whispers Roberto.

Danni laughs nervously, putting the rock back….making a huge eye open at their feet. Todd overbalances, falling in and getting covered in eye-juice.

"…..Aww, man, that's nasty", says Todd, then grimaces as Dani proceeds to like the stuff up, "…even grosser"

The eye turns to look at them. It turns out, the island is actually a big fish…a **VERY** big fish.

"Who the hell woke me up?", snaps Juggernaught.

"Run away, run away!", shouts Roberto.

The crew run, screaming back to the ship, where Piotr blinks in surprise as a fin hits the boat.

"Feeling sea sick", groans Piotr.

The crew run along the Juggerfish, sliding along its fins towards the water.

"Piotr!", shouts Roberto.

"Got it", says Piotr, steering the ship close by.

The crew all fall onto the ship safely, Dani and Roberto landing next to Piotr.

"Veer off, Piotr", says Roberto.

"The star!", says Dani, pointing to where the Juggerfish is heading straight towards it.

"Hold your heading!", says Roberto, running across the deck, grabbing a rope "Toad, tie it off!"

"Wha?", blinks Todd, doing as he's told.

Roberto hooks the other end of the rope onto the Juggerfish.

"I'm not a taxi service!", snaps Juggernaught, "I'm the Juggernaught Bi…"

"**DON'T** say it, for the love of God, don't say it", says Lance.

Roberto grins cockily, then is thrown to the deck with a thud as the Juggerfish tows them along, riding the waves quickly.

**&&&&**

Wee, another act done, such fun! Do review. Until next time…


	8. A cold snap

A Pirates Life for Me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "So, a nine-iron knocks him cold, but a shotgun does nothing?"

**&&&**

Act 8 – A cold snap

**&&&**

By the time morning comes, our heroes are still being towed by the Juggerfish, all the shaking and swaying of the boat making it's inhabitants very ill.

"I think Piotr's dead", says Lance, poking him.

"Roberto, the men can't take much more!", cries the Russian.

"Oh scratch that, still alive", says Lance.

"I can't", Roberto stops to heave, "can't take much more, either. Cut the line"

They cut the line, freeing them from the Juggerfish.

"Freeeeeeeeeeeeeedom", he says, swimming away.

As the boat steadies itself, we see Forge, Magneto and Kurt all looking rather sickly. Rahne gives a wolfy growl.

"No, no, **PLEASE!**", cries Kurt.

As they go off screen, however, we hear a nasty wolfy barf.

"Eeeew", says Lance.

"Hey, where'd she get the carrots?", whines Forge.

"One of life's eternal mysteries", says Lance.

Roberto groans, sitting down.

"Who's idea was that again?"

"I don't know", says Dani sickly, sitting next to him, "but he owes me lunch"

They share a corny smile, before Roberto looks up at a castle that looks suspiciously like McFadden castle.

"The Granite Gates", he muses, then smirks, "Bet you never thought I'd get us this far"

"I, I didn't", she admits with a giggle, "But Sam did. For some reason he trusts you"

"Sam trusts everyone, it's gonna get him killed one day", says Lance.

"Well, what could he have been thinking?", mutters Roberto.

"How did you two ever meet?", asks Dani.

"Well, my girlfriend was kidnapped by Donald Pierce..", starts Roberto. (1)

"No, in the movie, you idiot", says Lance.

"Running for my life, as usual", chuckles Roberto, "A couple of angry thugs had cornered me outside the palace walls. I was trapped A sword at my throat, and my chest at my.."

"Pickles and eggs!", shouts Ray, coming up with said food.

"Appropriate use of wordplay", says Lance, "It's kinda sad Todd Fan only just got that joke"

Roberto clears his throat.

"Well, you get the idea", he says, "And then suddenly, there was a fourth blade! It was Sam"

He grins.

"You see, he'd watched it all from his room in the palace", he says, "He actually climbed down the castle wall to fight at my side, and, boy, did we fight. It was like we rehearsed it. We were best friends from that day forward"

"What happened with you two?", asks Dani.

"Prepare for angst", calls Lance, "this is an angst alert everyone. This is not a drill"

Roberto sighs sadly, looking down.

"What is it?", asks Dani.

"We…..", Roberto sighs, "took different paths"

"No, that's myself and Charles", points out Magneto.

Dani looks sadly at Roberto as he walks off.

The scene changes so the view is from a bubble. One of the many bubbles in Wanda's bath.

"**NAKED SISTER!**", screams Pietro covering his eyes, "I'm blind. **BLIND!**"

"Enough talking", sighs Wanda, ignoring her twin, "Time for some screaming"

She blows on a bubble, causing it to freeze over with ice, turning it into a snowglobe. She smirks, shaking it. The scene shifts back to the boat, where the water around it freezes, trapping it in place. Rahne whimpers as some puppy drool freezes to her face.

"This is so bloody undignified", she mutters.

"For crying out loud, what next!", snaps Roberto, almost walking into a bare-chested Piotr, wincing, "Oh, get a shirt on before you poke someone's eye out!"

"I love that's in a kids movie", giggles Lance, "best line, ever"

"I am not going to kill anyone", says Piotr to himself.

"Okay, guys", calls Roberto, "Get down there and break it up. We've got to keep moving!"

A few minutes later, and the crew are hacking away at the ice, trying to break it free.

"Steal the book of peace", mutters Toad in a little vest shirt and even sillier little hat, "We will retire to the tropics!"

Rahne suddenly starts barking.

"What is it, Rahne, Timmy trapped down a well?", asks Roberto.

"I'm gunnae have ye pickles and eggs on toast, buddy", she warns.

Dani looks out to see a something flying in the distance towards them, trailing snow as it goes, Roberto narrows his eyes, seeing it too. Rahne whimpers, running to hide. There is a loud boom as Bobby, now a big, white…um…owl-thing breaks through a bunch of rocks, flying at them.

"Cool, I get to be evil!", he grins.

"Everyone, back on the ship!", shouts Roberto as the Bobby-Bird circles overhead.

As the crew run for the ship, Forge has to jump (rather stupidly) into the freezing cold water, to avoid being eaten by the Bobby-Bird. Upon getting in the freezing cold water, he inconsiderately begins to drown.

"Forge!", shouts Dani, as Forge manages to surface, clinging to a piece of ice, "Grab the rope"

She tosses him a rope, tying it to the ship…just as the Bobby-Bird catches her in his talons and flies off. Roberto reaches for her hand, grabbing it before losing grips after getting thrown into a random piece of ship. The crew watch in horror as the Bobby-Bird flies up to his den on the top of a mountain.

"That sounds kinky", says Lance.

"Shut up, Alvers", says Bobby, dropping Dani on the floor of his nest, trapping her with his foot, before moving in to kill her widdle self. Of course, she's the heroine, so she doesn't die, he only gets her coat, while she goes to hide under a snowdrift.

On the bottom of the mountain, Roberto is tying daggers to his feet.

"Toad, don't let the blocks freeze", he orders.

"Umm, fine, whatever", says Toad, then coughs, "I mean, aye, aye, captain"

"And Piotr?", asks Roberto.

"Aye?", asks Piotr, still mangling pirate talk with a Russian accent.

"Give me a hug?", grins Roberto, hugging him.

"Excuse me?", blinks Piotr.

Roberto smirks, snagging Piotr's knives from his belt, before tying a shield to his back, tying himself to a harpoon, giving a whistle. Rahne runs over, pulling the bone which releases it, Roberto going flying towards the mountain, hitting it with a thud, getting a mouthful of snow. Roberto mutters to himself as he uses the daggers to climb up the mountain.

"Oh, couldn't she **see** the bird?", he mumbles, "Everyone** else** saw it"

"Technically she was saving Forge", says Lance, "hey, has anyone checked if he's not dead?"

"It's as big as a freakin' ship", mutters Roberto, "Danielle? Danielle's looking the other way"

"Seriously, is Forge there?", asks Lance, then shrugs, "Oh well, he'll show up again at some point, I'm sure"

On top of the mountain, the Bobby-Bird is stomping around his nest, looking for Dani.

"This is like King Kong, only very, very messed up", says Dani.

Suddenly, a hand clamps on her face as Roberto appears next to her.

"You're rescuing me", she smiles as he lets her go.

"Yes, if that's what you want to call it", says Roberto, trying to be indifferent, "But this is going to cost you another diamond. Rescues aren't part of the usual tourist package"

They scuttle off as the Bobby-Bird smooshes their hideout, hiding behind the next snowdrift along.

"So", whispers Dani, "How are we going to get down?"

"I….don't know", admits Roberto.

"What!", hisses Dani.

"I don't know yet", repeats Roberto, "I'm thinking about it, all right?"

Dani narrows her eyes at him.

"You scaled a thousand foot tower of ice, and you don't know how to get down!"

"That sounds like an X-Man", nods Lance.

"Of all the ungrateful", starts Roberto, then grunts, "Look, if you'd rather take your chances on your own, that can be arranged"

"Shhhh!", says Dani, "All right. So, what do we have to work with? Um..ropes?"

"Ummmm", Roberto smiles sheepishly, "no"

"Grappling hooks?", tries Dani

"Yeah….no"

"Your swords?", tries Dani desperately.

"Hey, I've got this!", says Roberto, proudly showing her an itty bitty little dagger.

"Oh, great", says Dani dryly, "He can pick his teeth when he's done with us"

"He's an owl, he doesn't have teeth", says Lance.

"Yeah, okay", says Roberto, "See, in the hands on an expert, a good knife has 1,001 uses"

Roberto shows off his expert skills by flicking the knife in his hand, hitting the roof of the snow drifts, promptly making it collapse and giving away their cover.

"Yeah, real useful", says Lance.

Dani gives him a look that would make him die a thousand deaths, if look could kill. He gives a nervous giggle as the Bobby-Bird heads towards them.

"**RUN!**", shouts Roberto, grabbing her hand as they runs for it.

The Bobby-Bird chases them as they jump off a cliff, Roberto landing on his back, using the shield as a snowboard with Dani in his arms as they skid down the mountain.

"I think we lost him!", shouts Roberto.

"You never say that", says Lance, "have you learned nothing from Movie Night?"

"I don't think so!", screams Dani as the Bobby-Bird steps in front of them.

Roberto pulls the shield from under them, putting it over them so the Bobby-Bird pecks that instead of them as they continue to slide down the mountain. Roberto whimpers as snow begins to go in rather unmentionable places, freezing his pickles and eggs. He quickly slides the shield behind him again as they slide downwards, dodging falling pieces of castle, eventually sliding into a passageway full of icicles, the Bobby-Bird still following.

"Wow, I feel like the T-Rex in Jurassic Park", grins Bobby.

Roberto notices some light to the side, and using his dagger as a break, turn them at an angle, so they head towards it. As they pass the last piece of tunnel, it collapses, smashing the Bobby-Bird's head in.

"I'm not dead yet", says Bobby, "I feel happy, I feel happy"

Roberto and Dani, meanwhile, burst out of the castle, and fall down the mountain, towards the ship.

"Yep, there they are", grins Piotr, as Remy tosses Evan a coin.

As they fall, Dani and Roberto get tangled in the ships sails, eventually landing on the deck, all tied up together.

"Bow chicka wow wow", grins Jamie.

"Little pervert, get lost!", snaps Lance, brandishing a cattle prod, "last warning!"

"There", smirks Roberto, "just as I…..planned"

Dani chuckled softly as they make the eye contact of looourve, before the sails are pulled apart by Piotr, Magneto, Evan and Forge (who is not dead, it seems).

"It's Dani!", they all say happily, helping her up.

"We thought you were gone forever!", cries Todd, hugging her.

"Oh, I'm fine, really", calls Roberto, "But I'm touched by your concern"

He winces, cricking the joints in his back as the last of the crumbling castle breaks up the ice, setting their boat free. The crew cheer, as more eye contact between Roberto and Dani is made.

"Mmmmmm, eye contact", says Lance

**&&&**

(1) – How they met in the comics, by the by.

There you go, a longer-than-usual chapter because I've been too lazy to update. Do review. Until next time…


	9. Tartarus for a whiter smile

A Pirates Life for Me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Oh no, the front door's exploded!"

**&&&&**

Chapter 9 – Tartarus for a whiter smile

**&&&&**

We open to late at night, where the stars are looking prettyful.

"That's not even a word", says Lance.

It is now. Dani walks over to where Roberto is at the helm.

"Roberto?", she sighed, "Thank you for coming after me"

"Well, y…", Roberto smirks, then frowns, "you're welcome"

"This life suits you", smiles Dani

"Yeah", says Roberto, "I wasn't made for dry land"

"Neither was I", grins Todd.

"Todd, shut up, you're ruining the romantic moment!", snaps Lance.

"And you?", Roberto asks, "Is it the shore or the sea?"

"Wow, **THAT **isn't a question meaning something else entirely", says Lance dryly.

"I've always loved the sea", smiles Dani, "I even dreamed of a life on it. But it wasn't meant to be. I have responsibilities in Bayville"

"You really have to give it up?", asks Roberto, then groans as he hears whimpering, "oh man, Remy's at it again!"

"Don't pick on Gambit, just 'cause he's got a tender heart!", sobs the Cajun.

"Oh, go watch Titanic, you freak", says Lance.

"Yes", replies Dani sadly.

Roberto sighs, taking her hand and leading her to the helm, letting her steer the boat.

"I believe that the heart does go oooooon", sings Evan.

"I always thought it was 'the hot dogs go on'", muses Todd. (1)

"Stop this foolish hot dog talk!", snaps Lance.

"You know, I've travelled the world", says Roberto, "Seen things no other man has seen, but nothing.. nothing compares to the open sea"

"And is this what you always wanted?", asks Dani.

"Not really", chuckles Roberto, "When we were young, Sam and I used to talk about joining the Royal Navy, and serving Bayville side by side"

"……Are you guys sure you're not gay?", asks Lance.

Roberto pointedly ignores him.

"But, as we got older, our lives began to change", he says, "He's a prince, and I'm…well. I was never jealous of him, though… until one morning a ship came into harbour, a ship with his future on it. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen"

"What was on the ship?", whispers Dani.

"You"

"Oh, that's it!", sobs Remy, "Dis is so **SAD**! Why is the world so cruel? **WHY!**"

"….Will someone remove him from the set, please?", growls Lance.

Dani blinks, surprised.

"Sam met you at the dock", continues Roberto, "I jumped on the first outbound ship and never looked back. Until now"

He takes her hand, leaning in for a kiss, before Dani puts a hand on his chest, stopping him. Before anything can be said, there is a wild flash of light, and clouds form by the star, opening to show the gates of Tartarus.

"The gates of Tartarus", says Roberto.

I just said that. The crew come up form below deck to look at it.

"Toad, give me a lookout", shouts Roberto.

Todd sighs, hopping into the crows nest, looking as the sea just ends.

"We're dead", he whimpers, then shouts down, "It just ends, Captain! It's the edge of the world"

The crew take this in for a moment.

"Pay up, it's flat", says Remy, taking Evan's money.

"Well, that's it", says Magneto cheerfully, turning around, "Time to go home"

"What are you worried about, you can fly!", points out Lance.

"Nuh uh", says Piotr, "The captain hasn't given his orders yet"

Magneto sighs, none to impressed, then looks up, giving Roberto one of his best disgruntled looks.

"Follow that star beyond the horizon", Roberto mutters to himself, "Beyond the horizon"

He looks up, watching the wind whip wildly.

"….That's a lot of W's", muses Lance.

"Roberto?", asks Dani.

"Men! All hands to your posts!", he shouts, "Free all sheets! Wait for my command!"

"…..What?", asks Evan.

"Now!", shouts Roberto, "Go! Go! Go!"

"…I wish he'd stop using exclamation marks for everything", mutters Lance.

"Roberto, how are we gonna pull this off?", asks Piotr.

"Just trust me", grins Roberto, "Toad, right the main yard to the fors'le!"

"But that will stop us dead!", protests Todd.

"Just do it!", snaps Roberto.

"…Aye, aye, Captain", says Todd, none to impressed.

He bounces around a bit, yanking at ropes and the like.

"Slack to all sheets!", shouts Roberto.

"Aye, aye, Captain", says Magneto, then mutters, "Gonna kill him later"

"Cut the for and main trusses!", shouts Roberto, "move, move move! Aft yard to stern!"

"But that's…", starts Forge.

"Crazy, I know!", says Roberto, "Now, hurry!"

"Swing the fore'sle to port!", says Roberto, not entirely sure what he's saying anymore, "Ease the aft! Full hoist to forward sails!"

"Aye, aye, Captain", says Dani, doing her bit.

"Tie off all sails", shouts Roberto, "All hands amidships! And prey to the gods, we may be meeting them soon"

"Oh, yeah", says Forge dryly, "Great pep talk, there"

They all hang on as the ship starts towards the edge of the world, tilting down.

"We're going to diiiie!", cries Todd.

"Come one, come on come on!", shouts Roberto as they begin to plummet.

Suddenly, the sails pop out, and the boat becomes a plane, the sails becoming wings as they fly towards the gates.

"It worked?", blinks Roberto.

"Roberto, you did it", chuckles Piotr.

"Not like he moved the Golden Gate Bridge or anything", grumbles Magneto.

Suddenly, things begin to snap as the rig starts to fall apart.

"Piotr!", shouts Roberto.

"Aye?", asks Piotr.

"If I don't make it", says Roberto, grabbing a rope, "the ship is yours"

"No", blinks Piotr.

"Gentlemen, it's been a privilege robbing with you", says Roberto.

"I'm coming with you", says Dani, putting her hands on her hips, "And don't tell me the realm of chaos is no place for a woman"

Roberto chuckles, tying the rope around them both, pulling her close.

"I would never say that", he smirks, then looks down at Rahne, holding the rope in her mouth, "Sorry, Girl. Not this time"

Roberto and Dani take a running jump, swinging in through the gates, vanishing with a flash of light.

**&&&&&**

(1) – I have successfully ruined that song for 5 people with this observation. If I succeeded here as well, I will be most amused.

Wooo, only one act left to go! Do review! Until next time…


	10. Honour and stuff

A Pirates Life for Me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I want to hurt this movie, but I can never hurt it like it hurt me"

**&&&&**

Final chapter, nice and long, yo ho ho.

**&&&**

Act 10 – Honour and stuff

**&&&**

As they enter Tartarus, Dani and Roberto free-fall in the zodiac-y thing, before stopping inches above some sand. The sand rises and falls like waves, revealing a shipwreck, and then a stone army.

"…Aren't I supposed to fight these?", asks Roberto as they vanish, "or is that that Jason guy?"

"I dunno", shrugs Lance, "it was out of our budget, anyway"

Suddenly the zodiac animals surround Dani and Roberto.

"Done in by stars", said Dani, "not how I thought I was going to go"

"Now, now, my pets", says Wanda, making them swirl back into the sky, "is this any way to treat a guest?"

"Guests, plural", says Dani.

The sand all flows away, revealing a ruined throne room, a skeleton sitting on the throne.

"O…kay", blinks Roberto, "I'm severely creeped out"

"Bravo", says Wanda, clapping slowly as she steps out of the dust, "No mortal has ever made it to Tartarus before"

She chuckles, sitting on the arm of the throne, looking at the skeleton.

"Alive, that is…", she makes the skeleton vanish, taking it's place on the throne.

"What** is** it with that family and thrones?", mutters Lance.

"Make yourself at home", smiled Wanda

"Thank you", Roberto chuckles nervously, "Uh…nice place you got here"

"Like it?", asks Wanda, appearing next to them, "I'm planning on doing the whole world this way"

Roberto looks around nervously, then decides it's not a good plan to piss off Wanda.

"Wow, that's a good plan", he says, "Well, I see you're busy, so listen, we'll just take the book of peace and get out of your way"

"What makes you think I have it?", asks Wanda

"Uh, well, you framed me for the theft", says Roberto, "so they would execute me"

"My character just stands here and says nothing, then?", asks Dani.

"Yup, pretty much", nods Lance.

"You?", smirks Wanda

"Yeah", nods Roberto.

Wanda arches a brow, smirking at him. Roberto blinks, realising he has made a rather large boo-boo.

"No…", he frowns, "Sam! You knew he would take my place"

Wanda giggles.

"What a clever little man you are"

"…Little man?", blinks Roberto, "You thought I'd run. Then Sam would die, and Bayville would be…."

"Left without the next rightful king", says Wanda, "and tumble into glorious chaos. You humans are so predictable. Sam couldn't help being ever so noble, and you couldn't help betraying him"

"But I didn't betray Sam", frowns Roberto, "I didn't run away"

"Oh, but you did betray him", says Wanda, looking at Dani, "You stole his only love"

"Pardon?", asks Dani, looking up form a newspaper, "oh, I exist in the same room again? Okay"

"Look at her, Roberto", says Wanda, pushing Dani towards him, "He's not even in his grave yet, and you're moving in on his girl. Face it, your heart is as black as mine"

"You're wrong about him!", snaps Dani

"He knows I'm not", says Wanda

"You don't know what's in his heart", says Dani, "BRING IT!"

"Ladies, no fighting", sighs Lance.

"Oh,. Yes I do", says Wanda, "And more importantly, so does he"

She smirks, going over to Roberto.

"In your heart you know that Sam is going to die, because he saw something in you that just isn't there"

"No", says Roberto, pushing her off.

"You want to bet?", smirks Wanda, "I'll tell you what. Let's play a game, and if you win, I'll give you the book of peace"

Parts of the floor tumble away, so it becomes a narrow ridge to where the book is hovering at the edge.

"There it is, noble hero", says Wanda.

Roberto starts towards it, but Wanda stops him, some of the floor crumbling away.

"Not so fast", she says, "My game has rules, Roberto. I'll ask you a question, one simple question. If you answer truthfully, the book is yours"

"Give me your word", says Roberto

Wanda gives an exasperated sigh.

"You still don't trust me?"

"Uh….no", says Roberto

"Isn't it a pity we live in such sceptical times?", sighs Wanda, doing the cross thing on her heart, "oh, all right, you have my word…as a Goddess. Fair enough?"

Roberto nods, stepping forward.

"Ask your question".

"Excellent", grins Wanda, "Now, we all know what happens if you get the book of peace. You return it to Bayville and save Sam. But if you don't get the book, you have a choice to make. Either sail to paradise with the woman of your dreams, or return to Bayville to die. You're either a thief or a hero"

She smirks.

"So here's my question, Roberto", she says, "If you don't get the book, will you go back to die?"

She vanishes in the wind, leaving Roberto to ponder this question.

"I will go back", he says, walking to the book.

Before he can grab it, the floor shakes.

"You're lying", grins Wanda, appearing behind him.

The floor crumbles away as Roberto and Dani fall, Wanda cackling evilly.

"….Wow, did I pick the wrong twin to continue my evil empire", murmurs Magneto from backstage, "Pietro can't pull that off if he tried"

Roberto and Dani find themselves on a little island in the sea, watching the gates of Tartarus close behind them. A little while later, they are still on their island, sitting together quietly.

"I'm sorry, Dani", says Roberto, "Wanda is right about me"

"No she's not", says Dani, "You answered her question. You told the truth".

"It wasn't the truth", sighs Roberto, "It was me trying to pass myself off as someone I'm not"

"Roberto, I've seen who you are!", snaps Dani, "You don't need to pretend. Wanda trapped you. You should you or Sam or anyone have to die!"

"Dani….", starts Roberto

"No, you need to escape!", says Dani, "Get as far away as you can. I'll go back. I'll explain everything!"

"You couldn't suggest this at the start of the adventure because?…..", says Lance

"No, Dani", sys Roberto.

Dani lets out a sob.

"I can't watch you die", she whimpers, "I love you"

"**WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH**", sobs Remy backstage

"Oh for the love of…", mutters Lance, "every freakin' time!"

Roberto sees his ship in the distance, sighs and puts a hand on her cheek.

"But could you love a man who would run away?"

They share a hug, the scene moving to Sam, at sunset, on his execution day.

"Well…this sucks", says Sam.

Everyone has gathered to watch Sam die, as apparently, everyone is morbid. Sam kneels by the chopping block, resting his chin on it.

"A'h regret nothing", he says.

Logan looks away as the executioner, Mystique, lifts the axe.

"I get to kill an X-Man", she giggles, "happy day!"

Just before the axe comes down, a knife cuts the blade off the stick, it landing inches in front of Sam's face.

"….Mother", he whimpers.

Roberto and his men climb up the wall, Roberto walking over to Sam.

"I bet you thought I wouldn't make it", grins Roberto, shaking his hand.

"I was..", Sam winces, putting a hand to his neck, "beginning to wonder"

He gives Roberto a random hug, then frowns softly.

"The book?"

Roberto sighs.

"I did my best", he says, "It wasn't enough"

"No", says Sam, "You came back anyway"

"How could I do anything else…my friend?", says Roberto.

"That's beautiful", sniffs Xavier, then hugs Magneto, "You're my best friend, I love you, man!"

"…..Who let Charles get at the scotch again?", asks Magneto, trying to scramble free.

Everyone watches sadly as Roberto goes to the block, resting his chin on it. Mystique now has a nasty looking sword.

"…Break my axe….little snot", she mutters.

Before the sword hits him, it shatters into billions of pieces. The clouds above swirl around, eventually revealing Wanda…who looks pissed.

"How dare you!", she snaps, "Everything was going perfectly, and now you do this!"

She knocks the execution block into the sea.

"Wanda, I don't understand", blinks Roberto, "….don't kill me"

"Don't play coy with me", snaps Wanda, "Maybe you can fool these people, but I know who you are. You're a selfish, unprincipled lair!"

Roberto blinks.

"Wait a minute", he says, smirking, "I didn't lie. I came back. That's why you're here. This was all part of your test. I told the truth"

He grins.

"And wasn't there something about being bound for all eternity?"

Wanda goes to hit him, but the cross over her heart flashes, she scowls, handing him the book.

"Well, well, well", grins Roberto, "This has got to be a little embarrassing for you, Wanda"

"Don't push your luck, Roberto", smirks Wanda, "You're cute, but not that cute. And luck for you, I've got places to go, things to destroy, stuff to steal. Ta"

With that, she vanishes. Roberto grins, opening the book, letting all the good vibes loose in the world again, making it all light and shiny-like. Sam smiles, walking over and helping him up.

"You know, for what it's worth", he chuckles, "I think the council believes you now"

They look over at the frazzled council.

"You think?", smirks Roberto

Roberto walks over to Logan.

"King Logan", he hold the book just out of the runts reach, "Whoa, hey, how much you got on you?"

"I offer yer the gratitude of the Twelve Cities", says Logan, "an' the apology of a king"

"NO, really", says Roberto, "How much?"

"Don't make me kick yer ass", says Logan.

Roberto yelps, giving him the book, Logan walking off, muttering under his breath.

"Come on, this is going to be one heck of a party", grins Sam, "Everyone's going to want to hear about the voyage"

"Fair winds, calm seas", Roberto smirks, "Nothing much to tell"

"What's the matter?", smirks Sam, "No fun if you're actually invited?"

"No, it's just…uh", Roberto shrugs, "There's a hammock in Fiji with my name on it"

They shake hands.

"Good sailing, Roberto", says Sam.

"Get a haircut", says Roberto as he walks off, "You're going to be king someday.

The crew sadly say goodbye to Dani as they follow Roberto away. Sam notices how depressed Dani looks as she weaves away through the crowd. Shortly afterward, he finds her on the balcony we saw them on ages ago.

"Just another uneventful day in Bayville", he says, then glances at her, "You know, a'h stood here with a woman once. She looked over the ocean and wished she could sail beyond the horizon. She saw…such wonder"

"And what happened to this woman?", asks Dani, arching a brow.

"Don't make us tell the whole story again!", snaps Lance, "I'm only contracted to do it once!"

"She got her chance", says Sam, "She sailed she seas, and she fell in love"

Dani blinks at him, surprised, then looks away.

"Sam, I…"

"Dani, follow you're heart", says Sam, "Mine is here in Bayville,. Yours…yours is sailing with the next tide"

"Damnit, you're such a good guy", says Lance.

"Oh, Sam", Dani gives him a hug.

We move to where Roberto and his crew are ready to set sail.

"Captain?", says Piotr, "We're ready to sail"

See, told you.

"All right, Piotr", says Roberto, "Take us out"

"Aye, aye, Captain", says Piotr, "Cast off!"

Roberto is deep in thought as the ship leaves the harbour, a rope dropping and hitting him on the head.

"Oww, Toad!"

"What?", asks Toad, from where he is on the deck of the ship.

"Excuse me, Captain?", shouts Dani from above, "You need to replace these rig joints pretty soon. The mizzen ropes need the support"

Roberto grins happily.

"These joints were form the Jasmine Sea", he says, "That's halfway around the world"

"Then we'd better get started", smirks Dani

Roberto smirks, cutting the tope he's leaning on, sending him up to the crows nest next to Dani.

"Well, you know", he says, "That means going through the Hydra's lair, the Minotaur's haven, The Cyclops' den"

"Pardon?", asks Scott, "I have a den?"

"Shut up, Blinky", says Roberto, "Under the Swansea Bridge"

My friend lives in Swansea. It's in South Wales.

"Though the China seas", continues Roberto, "That's a very long voyage. And it's very, very dangerous"

"Don't worry", smirks Dani, "I'll protect you"

They finally get their kiss.

"**GAMBIT LOVE HAPPY EN DINGS!**", sobs Gambit.

Rahne sets herself into the catapult, throwing herself at Roberto. Everyone has a giggle as the ship heads off into the sunset.

"Thank Gods that's over", says Lance, "I couldn't take any more nautical terms"

**END**

**&&&**

Yes, we're done, we're finished! Hooray! Yes, the next parody has already been planned, expect it soon. Do review. Thanks for reading!


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